Lessons in Hindsight

September 5, 2019

Link to baby announcement---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAOskqW4FBE

Link to baby loss announcement---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv_F2yHKyhs

 

One year ago today I was angry. I was constantly crying. I couldn’t complete the simple task of making dinner. I was physically ill. I was emotionally shaken. I was outraged. I felt as though I was robbed. I did not understand. I was overwhelmed with sadness. I felt abandoned. Scott felt the same emotions and more.

 

God was there listening...

 

We had been planning for a new addition to our family. We were talking with my dad about setting up a crib on the bottom bunk of the RV.  We were planning on how we would make sure to be in Texas for the arrival of our little bundle of joy in March. We were going to have a Texan for a kiddo. We were planning where our next journey of our RV life would take us. We had big plans.

 

God had bigger ones...

 

One year ago today Scott and I announced the loss of our baby. In that instant our whole world was changed. We had been processing the loss for a few days talking to only our immediate family and close friends. It was one of the worst feelings of helplessness we had ever felt. Having the knowledge that everything we had looked forward to was gone overwhelmed us. 

 

God was holding us…

 

I became depressed. The idea of doing anything was too much. I had to force myself to go outside, to homeschool, to cook, and even to shower. I did not want to do anything. I felt like nothing was fair and it did not matter what I did.

 

God would not let me stop caring…

 

Malachi had a hard time processing we were not going to have a new baby in the house. He would ask age appropriate questions, but once he saw I would cry answering he stopped. He was loving, helpful, and amazing.

 

God reminded me I have an amazing gift…

 

My due date was March 14th. That day we had plans to keep busy to try to distract us. I cried in the shower, I cried getting ready to leave, and I cried throughout the day. The distraction only worked for a short time.

 

God knew what was next…

 

On April 13th I found out I was pregnant. We were filled with joy, anticipation, and fear. What if we go through the pain all over again? What if we will not be able to hold this child? The “What if’s” went on for hours in my head.

God reminded us to trust…

 

I am sitting here today 25 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. As I look back I realize God was holding us throughout the process. My due date is December 14th. God picked the 14th. It will be exactly 9 months from my due date with our angel baby. Little did we know we were already pregnant while we were still mourning. Our daughter will not replace the baby we never got to hold, but God reminds us again he has our angel baby.

 

God keeps us close…

 

As we are getting closer to my due date I still have fear. What if something happens? What if I deliver early like I did with Malachi? What if she is too early? What if she isn’t as healthy as the doctors are saying? In an instant my thoughts stop. 

 

God is with us…

 

This pregnancy has been harder. I have been sicker, more tired, and had way more of an emotional roller coaster than the others. This may sound sad to some, but to me it is joy. I know my daughter is growing! She is moving all the time now, and as soon as I start to worry about her God nudges her to roll over. I cannot wait… let me rephrase… I am anxious to hold our daughter once she is finished growing. She will be our rainbow baby, and I cannot wait to be reminded daily of God’s promises to us through her.

 

 

 

 

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