I sit here heartbroken. I am looking at the screen through tears as I type. This is not real.
All my life I have wanted a big family. Scott has 3 beautiful daughters from his previous life that I love as my own. We have Malachi together, and we wanted him to have someone to grow up with as well. We wanted more children.
Scott and I had our Malachi together 4.5 years ago. Scott had to have a vasectomy reversal, and we were pregnant within 4 months which is typically unheard of in these situations. Malachi was born 7 weeks early, and after a stint in the NICU he was healthy. We decided to wait a little while to try to have another because we conceived so quickly the first time. We have been trying for over 3 years now, and we had 2 miscarriages early in my pregnancies. This one was farther along. This one we were able to see, we were able to start planning, and we starting dreaming about how our life would change.
Last week I was looking at an ultrasound with my baby alive, well, and heart beating. Two days ago I lost our baby. Our baby was only 9 weeks along. The baby was the size of a grape, and I could not even keep them safe. God decided to take our baby to Heaven before we even found out if it was a boy or a girl. We will never hold this child, and we will never know what this babies face would look like. We will never see them smile, live, grow or find out anything about their personality. This can not be real. I keep hoping I will wake up from this painful nightmare.
Scott and I did a Facebook live video to tell our friends and family. Many people have reached out via messenger, text, and comments. We are thankful for all the thoughts, comments, and prayers during our grief. People ask how they can help, and to be honest we do not have an answer. We are just trying to process.
We are both so angry at God right now. Why would He do this to us? He knows how much we have been praying and asking for a baby. We have been asking for years, and we were so thankful when both pink lines showed up. Now we are broken. Why? Why would He give us exactly what we prayed for and take it away. I do not understand. Why? My heart is literally breaking in pieces. I do not know how to process what is happening to us.
As angry as I am at God right now I know He is working through others to comfort me, and I can feel His tight hug as I am trying to push Him off of me. I am in a place where the only person who can heal me is the person I am angry at. I do not want to spend time talking to Him. I only want to yell. I seem to only be able to ask why did you do this to us? Why did you think this was fair? Why do we have to feel this pain? Why?!
He keeps putting the same song in my head over and over. It is a song from my college days actually. I was shadowing a youth minister, and we took the kids on a weekend retreat. We played this CD so many times I could almost sing it front to back, but one song was always repeated. It was a song by Natalie Grant called Held. It was a song she wrote about a friend who lost a baby 2 months after birth. The song talks about the families grief, but it mostly focuses on how God is telling them He is holding them. At this time this song keeps running in my head. I know God is reminding me He is holding on to me. He is going to help us move through this, and He will hold on through our anger, grief, and pain. He is not going away. Throughout the Psalms we are reminded how God will be holding on to those who grieve. He will not leave us alone, and He is greater than the pain.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 I know He will hold my pain, and He is soften it as time passes, but currently it feels so heavy. I am trying to learn to give the pain to Him to hold, but it is not a light weight to drop.
Nothing in my life feels normal. We do not want to cook or eat, we do not want to clean, and we do not want to do anything. It is like our life is paused with pain, but the rest of the world keeps spinning. We need some time before we are ready to jump back into the normal side of life. I am not sure how long I will not be all right. I am not sure how long I will feel guilty for laughing or having a good time. I do not know how we will continue to process this as time moves forward, but I do know God will be there to take my heavy heart and walk our family into some healing.
Please continue to pray for us as we adjust to knowing we will not be adding a new baby to our family. We are unsure when and if we will try for anymore children. We need some time to heal before we can think about that at all. Please know we are trying to answer as many people as we can, but we are not sure what to ask for right now. So many people are willing to assist, and we are eternally grateful for that, but please be patient with us as we do not know what we need. We are processing our grief, and we are leaning on God to show us the next steps in His plan for our family.